Chapter 68

Loiza's POV:

Another day I wake and feel nothing, Sumayah has been staying with me, my bed is big enough that we both share it. It brings me memories of Avalon and sharing beds when we get there, the little ones share rooms, you get your own chamber when you turn 8. It was like a slumber party every night, I FEEL something from the memory... nostalgia?

Sumayah is already awake in the sitting area prepping a bowl out of the several things brought up from the kitchens for breakfast. She comes over with a bowl and a smile... "Good morning Loiza, how are you feeling?" Every morning she asks...

"I don't." And she sits and hands me the bowl full of fruits. I look at it trying to figure out what I want and she impales the cantaloupe and hands me the fork.

"It's always been your favorite hun." I take it to my mouth and the flavor is neutral like everything else. Yet I got a bit of flavor.

"You just twitched your brow for a moment, did you get any taste?" Moira sent Sumayah specifically for this task she is a reader... I am a task. I don't like how that sounds.

"A little at the end but I'm not hungry." And she sighs.

"Loiza dear you must eat." When you don't have feelings by the power of a spell like this is more than just mere alexithymia, at least they get hungry and enjoy food.

"It's fine enjoy the food, I am not hungry." And I go take a shower.

"Loiza! Stop right there! And she stops me in my tracks and turns me around. She is using the water in my body to command me to eat, it's considered rude. "I'm sorry dear but you MUST eat!"

"Why? Because I'm pregnant?" And her eyes confirm it.

"Yes. You might not feel anything now but very soon you will and it will not be on my watch that when you get those feelings it's guilt that which dominates you. Now sit!" Sumayah has always been very patient and is one of Avalon's most gifted teachers. Her pack in the mountains of Afghanistan were wiped out by the war, only her and like 150 others remain.

I obey her and eat everything in the bowl and she hands me a cup of chai tea with soy milk. Domingo sure is sending all of my favorites... While I drink it Sumayah is looking at me expectantly, I do enjoy the taste. She raises an eyebrow asking.

"I did enjoy that." And she gives me a faint smile and pats my hand. And the urge to ask something comes... I haven't had any urge for anything these days.

"Loiza ask your question, it's ok." Like I said, a reader.

"Where are the rest of your people now?" She sighs.

"They are deep in mountains in a cave system made long ago." And I am deep in thought, I get another urge.

"Well it seems curiosity is the first feeling coming back, ask my dear." She says with her ever gentle voice and takes the tea cup that was lingering in my hands.

"Do you think they would want to come here? I would grant them sanctuary." And she takes my hands in hers... "Oh, Izzy I was mistaken, curiosity is not the first feeling you're getting, it is compassion. You have always had a beautiful heart." And for some reason that moves me a little bit.

"Do you think they would accept my invitation? A few Priestesses could open a small portal for them to come immediately." She looks clearly moved by this and starts taking my hands to her lips to kiss them, but I stopped her, I don't deserve thanks, we should have done that before, I did not like the feeling I was getting from that. She is a reader and she understood.

"I think they would like that very much." I get up to take my shower, the water has also been helping me feel. "Go to the Beta and have Moira portal them, I'll be in the--"

"Catacombs, I know, what do you do down there?" She asks as she picks up the tray with the leftovers.

"Searching." And I close the door behind me I yearn for solitude.

After dressing in a pair of jeans and a black shirt and flip flops I go to The Catacombs, everyone bows as I walk the halls but they have been made aware of my condition and they have become used to my daily visit to The Combs, so they let me be. Like everyday I snap my fingers to light the torches only this time the fires are green. I look towards all the halls, I don't see her but I feel her presence.

"Thank you for keeping me company, I have been wanting solitude but I don't mind your presence." I asked her last time by which name would she like to be called and she just dismissed the question so I decide not to ask again. And go deeper in to one of the oldest sections with my notes now transcribed to a larger book, apparently the gibberish book has been lost.

**Not lost.**

"So she speaks." I say as I take out my pen.

**What do you seek?**

"I guess I'll know when I find it." I answer.

**Do you have any questions?**

"Not really." I answer as I trace a new symbol I hadn't seen before it looks like a hand but it only has four fingers. There are some fae who only have four fingers, I sit in one of the stone benches writing down the species that I can remember with this feature.

**Have you thought of asking Aryn?**

"She is no mood to talk with me and I am in no particular mood to talk with anyone." I write pan on my notes, Ayana is a hybrid so she has five fingers, but I remember her saying her mother does have four. I will have to check the subspecies of pans and fauns in the library, we may have it digitalized.

**Your feelings are returning.**

"Yup, they will eventually." The Liminal Lady also has four fingers and scribble it down.

**Retriever Faeries also have four fingers.**

"Thanks." And I write it down too. She seems quite talkative today, I am trying to figure out how I feel about that but then I remember that some if not all Knoll fae also have four fingers.

**The Green Men clan too have four fingers**

I close my book and look at the green flames.

"You seem quite chatty today. So when you asked if I have questions, I guess now I do. What do you want to talk about?"

**You seem to have it figured out.**

And I can't help but laugh... I'm not sure to what emotion I owe the laughter yet. It reminded me of how I would feel when I would choose something to wear and my mother clearly did not approve and she would mumble something I couldn't understand, then I would ask her what it was she said and she would just respond 'oh nothing'. I remember that would annoy me, but I would never feel like laughing at an annoyance, is it nostalgia I'm laughing at? Does nostalgia make me laugh? Or is it irony that I'm laughing at?

"As you can clearly see I do not have it figured out. You are here and I am clearly not good company at the moment, so how do you wish to move forward?"

**He is glad for your gift you know?**

"Is he now? Well I'm glad too." Glad? That's an emotion. Do I feel glad? Is confused an emotion? Yes, it's a basic knowledge emotion.

**Are you just glad and confused?**

"I'm also feeling annoyed, I don't remember minding riddles but I know I don't like vagueness."

**Maybe I can help you?**

"You are, you're the one making me feel annoyed. So thanks."

I put my face in my hands trying to understand the mild emotions I'm getting, I have to figure this out. I keep inviting people to come, how can I received them in this state? When I lift my face she is there with her white blank eyes and green glow.

"Let me help you then." And she touches the Mark on my forehead. And I am bombarded by Kayden's feelings, I have visions of him reading the books I left for him, he seems calm but also sad, I see him playing chess with his brother, they are practicing my strategies, damn I didn't think he would actually go that far. I see him talk with his parents and feel his anger, he is trying to contact Moira, he is determined to to use Caliburn again to carry out the will of the Goddess. NO! They only have one not very skilled doctor. I touch my belly, he is father to my children! "STOP! PLEASE STOP!"

She releases me, my face is covered in tears. And I can't stop crying and cradling my stomach. I look up and she is gone... The fires burning in it's usual reds and oranges. I run out of there and I can only think of one place I want to go. I compose myself on the way and knock on the door.

"Come in!" I see her sitting in her own balcony knitting, as a Kappa her work was always exquisite, I walk to her and she turns to look at me and my tears disobey me again  and her face fills with concern.

"Oh, mi amor, come here mija I was just thinking of you!" And she opens the arms that besides my mother have comforted me.

"Mamá! And I go to her and weep into her lap like when I was a child and I feel so overwhelmed in her arms." Isla has always had that way about giving comfort.

"I guess that the block has taken hold, hush now mi pequeña, it will all work out you'll see! Shhhh, those hormones must be also wrecking havoc on you mija." She pulls out one of her beautiful embroidered handkerchiefs this one with vivid Maga flowers, like red blood drops on the pure white fabric and dries my tears. She makes me sit next to her and cradles me.

"I failed! They are dead because I am weak! I am so sorry!" She keeps cradling me like when I was a toddler.

"Hush! You have always carried too much Izzy! I am so sorry for what happened to you mi chiquita, that was unfair to you, and how can you call yourself weak? I will not hear that again from your lips Loiza, do you hear me! Look all you have done! They are with Selene watching with pride." There is a knock at her door.

"Stay here, I will not allow anyone to see our Cacique like this. And she returns quickly with a tray of what I scent as chamomile tea.

"Here mija, for your nerves." And she pours a few drops of Tunu potion, a strong but natural calming potion. "We have to make sure those babies aren't getting unsettling feelings from their exceptional Mami right?"

"You know?" And I take a sip she even had Domingo prepare it with a little honey and a touch of vanilla like I like it, and the effect of everything is almost immediate and I feel calm.

"Of course mija! I have been appointed as Luna of this pack by it's Alpha, part of my duties is to know everything! Why do think I am knitting?" And we both chuckle at the jist.

"I don't know if I did the right thing. My babies won't have their father." She sighs.

"We shall see Iza, the future is not yet written. And from what I hear he adores you, he was just afraid. What man wouldn't by the thought of loosing such a precious ever blooming flower? What Lydia did was a cruel thing but she and Keaton have always loved having a good reputation, I doubt that what they did is something they would share with their sons. The night Gai-- the Goddess crowned you I was observant of the Blacks, your mate and his brother were in awe, but Lydia... she was a wreak. I have my theories, but I prefer evidence." And she takes a sip of her tea, I noticed the little slip up, but say nothing. Isla has always been one to hold information she is unsure of.

We sit drinking our tea and enjoying the sound of the waves and the fresh breeze in silence while catching glimpses of her wise eyes that see through everything.